I was obsessed with digging. For a long time I was troubled with this strong compulsion to learn everything from the ground up. It made complete sense to me at the time; I got to learn things deeply and feed my compulsion at the same time. The only issue was I'd spend most of the time fretting whether or not I was at the correct layer of abstraction.
I was flailing through layers with no idea what I was looking for, and although sifting through tomes of material and spending lots of time on a subject can feel like erudition, I stopped and realized I was in the same position I started in. It was like I was running without even moving.[1]
There is nothing wrong with going through layers of abstractions in order to grasp an understanding of underlying mechanics. Hackers are the best at understanding how to properly search through layers of abstractions.[2] They do not know what to expect when searching through each layer but they know exactly when they find what they're looking for. It's like they have this internal stop command that seizes that dreaded recursive loop before it freezes their mental computer.
The hacker's intentional approach is effective because it stops at a layer sufficient to accomplish their goal. You cannot continually peel back abstraction layers because eventually you will diverge leading to some form of paralysis.
My compulsion led me to treat everything as if it had an abstraction leak.[3] Following it only led me to dig deeper and deeper with no reason to stop. I lacked that internal stop command so there was no way I could stop and resurface.
I soon realized I didn't even need to copy the hacker and define a target; all I needed to do was let life form around me. Now I pay attention to what I like, what works for me, what doesn't, and what brings me to life,[4] then I gradually adjust in response to this feedback.
This design principle[5] requires me to be both trusting and humble. I have to trust my own idiosyncrasies and the form that emerges. I also have to accept that the feedback is richer than any identity I could model after.
Now I'm learning to trust the process and I don't feel like I'm falling or plummeting anymore. My interests feel fulfilling, especially knowing that their value comes from me just liking them and not some utility. Maybe one day I'll find myself in a life I could've never expected but I'll at least know it's for me.
[1] “Cram them full of noncombustible data, chock them so full of 'facts' they feel stuffed, but absolutely 'brilliant' with information. Then they'll feel they're thinking, they'll get a sense of motion without moving.” — Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
[3] “All non-trivial abstractions, to some degree, are leaky.” — Joel Spolsky
[4] 'Unfolding' — an insightful essay on unfolding and how to apply the form-fit-context to your own life.
[5] Unfolding is a design principle from Christopher Alexander's book Notes on the Synthesis of Form. It's the process of learning what something should be by working on it.